Another Rough Draft Different Topic… Which one is better? ♥

Cosmetology is one of biggest passions. I love everything about it , the hair , the makeup, the nails, and even the facials and massages. I was one of the lucky few who got excepted in the cosmetology program for free in Durfee High school. Cosmetology is the study of face, hair, nails, and skin. When I started Cosmetology I had no idea what it really was. I just thought it was straightening and curling hair, but it was much more than that. My main goal was passing the class and getting my cosmetology license.

 

I started cosmetology when i was a sophomore in high school. We read in class everyday and took tests every week, I was pretty upset because the tests where hard and all i wanted to do was hair not book work. Every week I got my tests back and all i seen was red pen ink all over the paper correcting all my wrong answers. i scores low most of the time. Out of the five days we were in school, three of them were book work days and the other two days were hands on and test days. Mostly every hands on assignment i passed but i tried millions of times to get just as perfect as the teachers. I still remember when we started learning braiding. I tried to do a french braid so many times that my fingers were hurting. The teacher told me to do it tighter and i tried and tried all period until I finally got it. That same day the teacher came up to me and told me “Keicha in order to stay in this class and pass it , is if you do good in both hands on and book work. I need you to put you same effort you do in class when we do hands on to the book work. You need to understand the material in order to do it.” My heart dropped when she told me that because i really wanted to be in that class so I decided to study harder for my tests. Every night i read over the chapter study guide she gave us and answered all of the questions in the book at the end of every chapter. My grades started to improve every week and i passed the class with a B-.

 

I had to take cosmetology until i graduated high school and completed a thousand hours taking that class in order to pass the class and to go for my license. Junior year was a lot more different than sophomore year. Now instead of being there for one period, I had to be there three whole periods. This time it was less book work in class and more hands on work. We were responsible for all the book work for homework. I was in a different classroom now. The classroom had bright yellow walls and a lot of stations like a real salon did with all the black leather chairs that you pumped up and down, all the huge mirrors, and shampoo and conditioner at every station.  I was so excited when i seen my new classroom. It really seemed like i was in a real hair salon. Cosmetology class was getting a little more intense. The tests were longer and harder, the chapters were longer and went deeper in the subject, and we had new manikins of our own that we needed to take care of. At first I started to score low on my tests. There were to many big vocabulary words and most of them sounded the same. I stepped it up and started studying harder. I went home and went over two to three pages each night. I have to admit it was hard to concentrate with all the TV shows i wanted to watch,  all the texting i wanted to do, everything else around seemed more tempting than just studying and i got so bored easily. I had to turn off my phone and my TV, go in my room with the door shut, and just try to focus. Hands on work in class was getting more serious. Our work was being critiqued and judged harder. Every little hair sticking up were points taken off. When we straightened hair, it had to be with no friz and it had to be paper thin and straight. I just went over the piece of hair a hundred times until it was really straight. Our straighteners weren’t as good as they should have been so I bought myself a new one just to improve my work and get higher grades.

 

Many times i just wanted to give up. Listening to your teacher critique any small thing about your work, really made everyone feel bad, i know i did. i tried the best i could everyday and it only seemed like she was never satisfied with our work.

 

2 thoughts on “Another Rough Draft Different Topic… Which one is better? ♥

  1. This one seems to be to work a little better with the assignment. I gather that your focus here is on persistence? You have the beginnings of some scenes here (or mini-scenes, with your trying to braid, the teacher talking to you, studying in your room and the setting of the cosmetics classroom). If you choose to work more on this one, I’d encourage you to flesh out the scenes more–maybe cut down on the time frame some to show just a few (or one) pivotal event.

    You do explain what your obstacles were, but maybe a bit more of an explanation about why and how you persisted. What or who motivated you?

  2. I think that this one is something you could write in more detail than your other draft , so you’re probably better off developing this one.The only thing that I can really say you should do to improve the essay is if you went into more details about styling hair or painting nails or whatever else it is you do in that class.You could go into more detail and maybe talk about one particular part that you found to be the most difficult part of the course.

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